Sookie Says: How to Deal With Your Sister In Law
by yo-digitty-yo-yo
Summary: Sookie writes a column for the Bon Temps newspaper :


**Sookie Says: "How to Deal With Your Horrible Sister-In-Law"**

Good evening Renard Parishioner-ettes!

The title of this week's entry says it all. If you ladies are anything like me, chances are pretty good that you have a brother. Chances are also good that that brother is older, and far stupider than anyone you've ever met, but you still love the adorable rascal. If those things are true, chances are that worthless ho-bags love him too, and you've spent the majority of your teens and twenties listening to these vapid whores squeal, moan, and complain through the paper-thin wall that separates your bedroom from said idiot brother's.

In a tale as old as time, or in triteness anywho, your brother probably married one of these whores in his late 20's. Nothing about her separates her from the pack of other hoochies that have paraded into your brother's bedroom other than she is bitchier, whore-ier, and persistent as FUCK! And now, lo and behold, you have to stand up and pretend that you support this atrocity of a wedding, and endure the eventual clusterfuck that this bitch will invoke upon not only Jas-erm, your brother, but also upon you and your family and friends.

It sucks royal, much like a Mississippi king draining you half dry on the nightly, but it CAN be dealt with politely. Below are a few tips to help you endure the dreaded whorebeast sister-in-law.

**Tip #1: SMILE.**

Chances are that if you hate her, EVERYONE hates her. You are a forgiving and understanding person, after all, and she is the more uncouth version of the bayou billionaires. Most likely, SIL also knows that everyone hates her, and thusly hates everyone in turn. Your best bet here is to smile when you come into contact. It doesn't matter if you can't keep the derision off of your face, because that smile is the most positive reaction she's seen since being brought into the civilized world. She will still hate you, but when others notice your effort, you'll be on good terms with the other hypocrites and also last in line to be talked about behind your back.

**Tip #2: Humor her ridiculous hobbies. **

So she sews and knits and fuckin' macramé's like a matron in a nursing home while at a family get together? Maybe she takes jewelry crafting classes in between her quilting and pottery painting nerdery? Perhaps she invites you to spend a Sunday morning at an organic tea room when you could be drinking beer and watching football? Suck it up and go. You'll hate every second of it, but go. This is what hip flasks and smart phones were designed for, and your horrible sister-in-law will hate you a teeny bit less every time you endure her girl-power organic bullshit.

**Tip #3: Downplay your brother's greatness in her presence. **

Let's face it, SIL already knows she hit the jackpot in her own way, but your brother is still the same douchebag that ripped off the heads from all of your Barbies when you were six. He sucks, and it's time to pay. Belittle him often to your SIL and she will warm up to you despite your obvious derision. Females sharing a common annoyance with an idiot-man builds sisterhood. Also recount his failed athletic career.

**Tip #4: Pretend that you envy her stuff. **

You don't envy her shit. Few people would. She's got an apartment or tiny house full of craft supplies, cooking utensils, and dog paraphernalia. SIL allows your poor brother to have only a quarter of a hall closet for his own shit, and SURPRISE SURPRISE! The rest of his stuff has been sitting in YOUR storage space. Push all that aside if you're invited to their house/shack/hovel, and give the best compliment possible. Try to be specific, like "Oh my goodness, Crystal! What a lovely living room!" SIL will beam triumphantly even if said living room is a clusterfuck of boxes, dog piss and terrible life-choices.

**Tip #5: Befriend her mother and other female relatives**.

This one is a catch 22. Her family is weird. A weird pack of Weirdy McWeirdos. They'd obviously have to be to produce the piece of work that is your sister-in-law. Regardless of their weirdo customs and general unkempt-ness, hug each and every family member and do your very best to REMEMBER THEIR NAMES. A good method for this is to rhyme a person's appearance with their first name, for example: "Freaky Teeth Felton", "Calm Calvin", "Beat Up Becky", and so on. The key is to establish a rapport with these freaks, and if SIL doesn't hate you when they realize how great and clean you are vs. the current dynamic, she'll appreciate your interest and effort. Remember to avoid touching doorknobs and shower immediately when you get home.

**Tip #6: When you're not up to kissing ass, AVOID! **

Some days even the best of us have difficulty maintaining a front. You had a bad day at Merlotte's or Eric went missing again, or Alcide wants you to drink another hallucinogenic cocktail. Maybe your boss tried to bang you in his office or your ex sent you an apology from South America. Or maybe you have cramps out the wazoo. Whatever it is, you're not up to dealing with SIL. Your best bet in this situation would be to ignore her calls and take a bath, with Pandora screaming really, REALLY loud on your favorite channel. Build up some bubbles, pin up your hair, and get lost in Katy Perry, Panterra or whateverthefuck. Have nice lingerie nearby to put on when you get out, all toasty and smooth. Satin and lace are best. No matter how many times that witch has called you, continue to ignore as you slip into your comfy bed. If there's a fireplace nearby, light it. As you settle in, plug your cell into a distant outlet instead of the iHome on your night table. If anything important happens, it's more likely that a vampire will appear to wake you than a phone call.

**Tip #7: A Straight Face. **

Chances are likely that darlin' SIL will bait your temper, possibly at every opportunity. Any galling remark can be diffused with a straight face and a properly worded response. For example:

SIL: "So I hear things are going well at the bar, Sookie. Rumor has you're the best waitress in four parishes! It's clearly your calling."

*ouch*

You: "That's a lovely rumor, Crystal. It's nice to be paid for doin' an honest, _legal,_ job that I enjoy. Lafayette would agree, since there's so many ways to excel in _cooking._"

She'll choke on her ire when threatened with the exposure of any nefarious activity, but the public situation will prevent her from firing back. Win for you!

**Tip #8: Maintain. **

If you've followed these steps then you've likely managed to create a tenuous bond of mutual friendship with your new sister-in-law. It is still tainted with spite, but that is because she isn't good enough for your brother, and never will be. She knows it, you know it, and that has been established under the most cordial of terms. Your main job is now complete, and there are two acceptable paths as you go forward.

**Path One: **You did your best, and that is that. You hate the bitch and she hates you, but you've both managed to establish a veneer of cordiality and rapport. In this path you cut social ties and only interact on the Big Four: Birthdays, Weddings, Holidays, and Deaths.

**Path Two:** You did your best. You hate the bitch and she hates you… but you make the decision to try and build upon your tenuous relationship. With your good heart, you think that perhaps Crystal is hiding a better side of herself that you want to discover for the sake of your brow-beaten brother. It's a tough row to hoe, but determination can perhaps find that hooker's heart of gold. Eventually.

In closing, there are many ways to deal with the train wreck of a werepanther- er, I mean woman – your brother had the piss-poor judgment to knock up and marry. Can't blame the guy, as it'll be a cool day in the fryin' pan when Jason – er, your brother – manages to grow two brain cells to rub together. These tips will make life easier until sadistic faeries crucify the bitch.

I'm joking, of course… but a girl can dream, right?

Until next time, beautiful Bon Temps.

**XOXO - Sookie**


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